I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
