instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
