if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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