Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
