That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Panties = found
Randomize
