I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
