Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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