oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
