Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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