I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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