We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
