I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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