i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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