She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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