I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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