Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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