Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
