I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
