Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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