i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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