went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.