Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
