My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
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I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
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He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym