I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
