Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
