glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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