I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
