Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
