Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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