Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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