i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
