Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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