i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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