You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
only you would photoshop your dick
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize