Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
