You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
