you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
