seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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