when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just blew my weed a kiss
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
