This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
