First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
