went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
