So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
