god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
