I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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