I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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