I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
