Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
