why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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