my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
