if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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