so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
