ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We left the knife in your bed.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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