I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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