i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
