hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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