M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
