Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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