It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
