I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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