Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
